# 58 (2013) Association
Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I’m not forgiving enough. But I feel like I’ve been messed around so much in my life (yes I blame everyone else for the time I have wasted on them rather than my overly forgiving nature) that I tend to drop people at the first sign of hassle. This is something I have learnt in the last year or so and learnt it very well.
Some of my ‘dis-associations’ have been the right choice. But perhaps I should be giving some of the individuals concerned more time to prove themselves. The problem is that I get angry and annoyed and my life has very little space in it for down time, socialising, idle banter or indeed petty stress. I have wasted huge chunks of my life and my energy on people who basically didn’t care and I refuse to let it happen anymore.
I have unresolved issues. We all do. But now that my life is entirely streamlined both physically and people wise it’s time to take stock and change the way I do things. There is less clutter in my head, the bad people have gone and I need to slow down and make plans.
The other problem is that I just don’t care anymore. I’ve lost the will and the desire to try. And I have lost my passion for most things. One event did this to me and I still haven’t quite moved on from it. Now might be my biggest chance to prove that I can make an effort and start to enjoy the life I have. I have moved into a house with two complete strangers about whom I know nothing and who I appear on the surface to have little in common with. Now is the time to start again.
Can I handle it? I am forced to be social on a daily basis both morning and evening and share my downtime space with other people in their house. It’s strange how quickly I feel that I have settled into this place considering just how apprehensive about this move I have been, but I am growing to love this space I now call home and I can’t imagine being anywhere else.
Key to what I am now doing is to make sure that people understand how I tick from the outset. This has been a stumbling block of late and I am sick of going round in these circles with people.
The trouble is that once the damage is done I don’t want to go back and build the bridges. In this respect I am stubborn, childish and unmoving. Many would say bloody minded and selfish. I’m not going to apologise but I am fully aware of my faults, don’t think for a moment that I am not.