# 114 (2013) Spontaneity
I often worry at my lack of spontaneity. I am not a risk taker and I rarely do things off the cuff. I put this down to the relationships I’ve been in. Being in a partnership makes you more responsible, it makes you think twice and put others before you rather than doing what you want without thought. It also makes you more financially careful.
It’s an odd quirk of mine since I never wanted to settle down. I am not mother material and marriage is definitely not for me. I don’t need these things. I don’t want to be needed in that way. I plan my finances (mainly for me in case things go wrong) and think about how others feel before I do things. Is this a good or a bad thing though?
I’ve spent most of the last two years in a relationship where I have been allowed to be quite selfish because we are both very independent. I have learnt a whole new way of doing things and it’s something I’m keen to keep hold of. I don’t want to let go of ‘me time’ for someone else but this works both ways. I have enjoyed the days where I didn’t have to ‘perform’ and I can see this being positive and having a long standing effect of this relationship. It is possible to re-learn things.
But I digress. To be honest, I don’t remember ever being that spontaneous. I was one of those kids who would faint at the sight of blood and was dragged screaming in fear to the dentist every six months for a basic check up. I never understood the thrill of a rollercoaster or tried extreme sports. I wanted to be a writer and a costume designer. So those are the things I did.
And then relationships came along and I found myself in long term responsible situations. Because I left home earlier than many twenty somethings do these days I was paying rent and bills early on and having to take on well paid responsible roles to do it. And always there was a live in partner hovering in the background. Sometimes paying his share, more often not.
Do I regret it? Of course I do. I blew my twenties on other people and I will always regret that. I wish I had done single and put myself first. I wish I had taken less well paid but more fulfilling jobs because I could and I didn’t care if I only lived on tins of beans for a week. But I didn’t and there’s not a whole lot I can do about a past squandered.
And whilst I haven’t decided now to fly by the seat of my pants so to speak, I’m living a little less rigidly than I used to. I don’t have a regular income and I’ll wait until the cupboard is bare between trips to the supermarket. I guess that’s not quite living life to the extreme though is it?
I have mellowed and I’d like to embrace that and take more chances. I don’t mean my casual flings with home life – I don’t care if the washing up isn’t done at the end of the night. And if I’m a few minutes late for work never mind but I’m not planning ahead as carefully as I used to.
But I’ve only been allowed to relax like this because I have planned ahead and in some ways I consider myself better off than other people my age and younger. And I’m still kind of saddled with responsibility that stops me packing a rucksack and disappearing on a road trip at weekends. I have a business, a lot of stuff and 3 hens that all vie for my attention.
I also have a partner who reminds me of the person I wanted to be. It’s interesting that as our relationship has progressed it’s become clear it’s the relationship side of things that makes you think twice before doing anything spontaneous. He now thinks about me when he’s making plans. And I’m kind of sad about that because I know he has made sacrifices for me which could affect the course of the rest of his life.
It makes me wonder how I would have been and where I would be now had I not let myself get blinded by relationships and put more energy into being me and putting myself first.