# 35 (2014) Your Level Of Fail
So here we are. My sixth year in Lincoln and I’ve just completed my fifth house move. And it feels like shit. With each successive relocation I have thrown, freecycled or sold more and more of my possessions. I am now down to a bed, a bedside table and two bookshelves.
My business, which now has nowhere to go, has been reduced to a table top balanced across a radiator and part of a chest of drawers in my bedroom, and a number of boxes scattered across several properties. And it sucks. And I fail at life. I am at my most angry right about now and regretting most of my decisions since 2008 and….forever. But it’s too late for that.
So long as I keep busy I can work through this. But in those moments where my thoughts begin to wander, I start to question the point of it all. Dangerous territory.
More than anything it’s telling me to get out of this town which has nothing to offer but limited job prospects and unaffordable studio space. Lincoln has a long way to go and it would take a lot to convince me it’s worth staying for.
One of my new housemates is a Polish woman with a thirteen year old son, holding out for one month before she heads back to Poland where she says the quality of life and the wages are far better now than in England. Currently she is working 12 hour night shifts in a factory for minimum wage though it is essentially a zero hours contract. This, despite having years of experience in the travel industry and being fluent in three languages. Good luck to her I say.
I set my standards fairly I think. I don’t ask for much. I don’t have expensive tastes or habits. And maybe that’s the problem. Because feelings of self worth are important if you’re to keep going, improve, succeed or just carry on. But I haven’t felt self worth for quite a while.
At the moment I don’t feel like I run a business. If you’ve downsized and you’re working out of your bedroom that’s not a serious enterprise, is it? I can’t have clients over and anything more than basic sewing is impossible.
It’s time for some drastic action before I slip completely into oblivion.