# 38 (2014) The Future Is Scary
Staying motivated and moving forward when you don’t have all the trappings of ‘normal life’ patterns can be tricky. Because if you fuck it up, you have noone but yourself to blame. If you go off tangent or lose your way you don’t have the excuses so many other people have – kids, mortgages, job commitments. These are all things that shouldn’t hold you back if you’ve chosen not to make them part of your life. I mean, you can do whatever you like right?
Unfortunately I lose enthusiasm and the older I’ve got the harder I’ve found it to bounce back when things go off kilter. I feel like I’ve lost my way and I’m having to go back and start from first base to remind myself what I was mean’t to be doing and how I used to feel.
By 40 I had moved countless times since I first left home at 18. It was a family joke – the list building up in my mum’s address book. But the joke has worn very thin. Each move now pushes me psychologically just a little closer to breaking point.
I’ve been married and divorced, tried some of my passions and had one career in the city. Now I am running my own business – doing the thing I have wanted so badly since I was 12 years old. It shows signs of being successful, but its failure will ultimately be up to me and my own motivation.
Currently it’s strangled by its location and that is my fault and noone elses. Because no matter how much we want to break out of the norm, sometimes you have to go with the crowd. And for me that looks like heading back to London.
I have frittered away a lot of my life sticking with things (mostly people) I shouldn’t have. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. I never put myself first in relationships, which, for someone who never wanted to settle down, is an odd concept. And it’s been very damaging because I am a bad judge of character and have in the past landed myself with the most inappropriate people.
I should have worked harder at being single, my own boss, and more selfish in my pursuits. But I didn’t. And I have now reached an age where if I don’t make some drastic changes I am going to fritter away whatever is left of the life I have. And that scares the crap out of me because my aim was always to ‘be somebody’.
I’ve made a plan because I am now in the enviable position of having nothing to stop me from doing exactly what I want. Firstly I am doing the unthinkable and moving back home to my family roots to regroup (my key phrase this season) and decide what I am going to do next. It is not supposed to be a long term option but it will give me breathing space without pressure or financial constraints. It comes with no strings attached, even though it is not my ideal solution.
And once I’ve had time to get my shit together, I am going to start on a new road. I don’t quite know where it’s going to take me or if uprooting my business for pastures new is going to be its saving grace. But I won’t know unless I try and I can’t see a better option.
My move has a build up. I have 5 months left on my current rental contract and that gives me time to finish up my commitments here, do my research and make new contacts so that when I move I don’t have time to sit back, mope and waste more valuable time.
I have relocated like this before, this is not an extreme in any sense, but I’ve never done it just for me. And that’s what feels strange. Because I am actually putting myself first. I don’t have a problem with it, it’s just a new experience.