My lack of interest in material possessions stems mostly from my precarious financial situation which has endured since I arrived in
Lincoln six year ago. Constant moving which makes having stuff a real pain the arse, plus not being able to afford, or not wanting to buy, anything above basics or essentials because you don’t know where the next job is coming from, have drummed the need to shop right out of me.
It’s got to the point where I really don’t see the point in buying cards. Something you buy, pay again for to post and ends up in the bin after a month or so. Surely an action, a phone call, even a text is worth as much as an overprice piece of card?
I am generally uncomfortable about receiving gifts. I get embarrassed because when someone gets something for me I feel I have reciprocate which often isn’t possible. I also don’t think I deserve gifts so they have a general awkwardness about them.
I dread Christmas and birthdays (mine and everyone elses) because of the material expectation that goes with it. Maybe that’s me. But when you are surrounded by people for whom money seems to be no object and the buying of gifts that aren’t essential is standard, it is a source of stress.
People shouldn’t judge you for not buying gifts or cards. But they do. And it’s not a great feeling.
Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog. Then I shake my head at humanity. Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you. Because I’m a giver.
What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:
- “How to know I’m not in a coma”
- “accidental lesbian”
- “u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
- “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina” (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
- “Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
- “I want to eat you down into the belly.” (Wow. English is not your first language, is it? Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
- “Our cat had 4…
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I am reading a lot of articles about how to be positive and re-jig your life when things aren’t going right. But it’s hard to do when you’re isolated for so many reasons and you face the reality that the one person you’ve hinged so much on, probably won’t be a part of that decision.
That’s when those plans that seemed like a positive challenge don’t seem as inviting. Because if you’re doing it alone how do you bounce ideas, rally round and brainstorm when things don’t go quite right? Being in a cycle of negative thought is hard to break out of.
It would be very easy to give up, close down and resign to the reality that life isn’t what you hoped it would be. When you’ve made as many bad decisions as me, you stop making them altogether and decide there’s no point.
Because whatever skills and achievements you have, they mean nothing without the will to go on.
And I don’t know how to change that.
It’s been almost three months since I moved into my new house share. And finally I am starting to get used to my new compact living arrangements. I am getting used to living in a studio (or is it working in my bedroom?) and I’ve long since stopped being sad about giving away all my furniture. But in three months I’ll be moving again, this time to a new city.
I have two options for my next move but spending the bank holiday weekend at home with my parents has absolutely ruled out the easy option – giving up and living off the bank of mum and dad. Now that I know this, it’s time to take stock of how things will change. I have three months to find a suitable destination, get a job and find somewhere to live.
I always knew Lincoln was not going to sustain me in the long term. There are various reasons for this. Some of which stop with me, some of which don’t. The reality is that there is very little here worth sticking around for and the last two years or so have been a very isolating experience. But equally, relocating somewhere else is not going to solve all my problems as I will essentially be starting from scratch.
I am open to the possibility that if I can find rewarding and meaningful employment elsewhere I will take a job and just do business on a part time basis which I hope will make me excited again about what I do. And if I can find affordable studio space, it means separation from my home life which I am desperate for now.
My more recent work has not been so rewarding although it has provided a better income. The fun has most definitely gone out of what I do. And the hand to mouth creative existence I’ve been enduring since I started university in 2009 has long since lost its lustre.
I’m almost done with moping around and I am keeping my eyes firmly on the next few months as being for planning and research rather than as a ticking clock to when I say goodbye to my independence. Time to take control.
…that make me glad. One, that being self employed means I don’t have to get myself into jobs I don’t like. And two, that if I do take on work I’m not happy with I can leave it because there is always something else to go to. Not that I am in the habit of doing that since Lincoln has not been a happy job hunting place.
Every job I have had in Lincoln has involved nasty managers, jobs worth’s and staff who clearly hated every moment of their working lives. These were new experiences. Perhaps I’ve just been lucky. Perhaps I have rose tinted glasses for my professional past.
I don’t see any point in doing something for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week that you hate. And if you hate people, don’t do a job that involves customer service. I like working with people. I like the satisfaction I get from knowing I helped them and they were happy with what I did.
I’d only been in my current role for 3 weeks, but as it’s part time that’s only 6 days. By this time there had been three customer complaints about rude staff, numerous occasions of staff bitching about other staff and customers to staff, and occasions of staff bitching about customers to other customers. It’s not on and it makes for a very miserable working environment.
Additionally, any manager who devalues your skills and makes you feel like an idiot in front of other customers, staff and generally makes you feel worthless and out of your depth doesn’t deserve you as a member of staff. Thankfully money is not the issue here and so I left. And you have no idea how relieved I feel.