Going Slightly Mad
Do you ever feel like one day you might go slightly mad? I was watching the film Vincent and Theo the other day. And Amadeus. Two films that should probably not be watched back to back by a creative person desperately trying to make enough out of their calling to pay the bills.
Creative people are generally a bit nuts. It’s part and parcel of being creative. Look at Alex McQueen. Creative people have issues. It’s what makes them arty. It’s the way it is.
And I wonder how long I’ll go on for before just losing the plot. The problem is I question a lot of things. I don’t get what it’s all about. Life – I mean.
I was brought up to want something more than marriage and kids. That a career – a calling was everything. But the problem is I don’t know what to do with it. Because careers do not buy happiness and they don’t make you enough to live on. And the rest of my life is so detached that career isn’t everything.
I don’t really have the infrastructure for basic happiness because I have moved house and town quite a lot and I haven’t found the place I want to stay long enough to build meaningful friendships. So my life is fragmented. There is one friend who has followed me through my life for the last 26 years. Work is the only consistent thing. And as I work alone, that’s a pretty dangerous place to be.
I also struggle to deal with the pettiness of life which is why I find it easy to dump people who make life difficult – boyfriends when they seriously fuck up, friends who are just so petty I want to scream. Who needs it?
I’m hoping I will stay in the city I’ve landed in, for a while at least. I’ve tried Meetup but I’m struggling to find anyone I really gel with and I don’t know if that’s because I’m not meeting the right people or if it’s me. Maybe it is me. If it is, this could go on for a while.