A week ago today a friend died.
I have little concept of people close to me dying. My parents are only children so we are a small family with distant offshoots. My grandparents are all gone. Both grandmothers died before I was 9 so I have no memories of their passing. My grandfathers have been gone a while, but only one I still keenly feel the loss of.
I only experienced my first burial last year, when my best friend’s mother died. It was a crushing experience. My family are generally all cremated – I suppose a slightly sanitized version.
And as I have moved a lot I haven’t experienced the death of people around my own age. I lose contact with people easily. I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from my school years.
Our friend was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer last summer. She was 27. They told her she would be dead by the end of the year. Her treatment was only palliative. In December her mother came over from Canada, collected her, and took her home. That was the last I saw of her aside from sporadic updates on Facebook. And then suddenly, one day, there is was. The message that she had gone. Having just made it to her 28th birthday.
And it’s a concept I struggle with. Here was a person who was, in my opinion, one of the few genuine assets to the human race, that I have ever met. And although we saw her sick before she went home, trying to get my head around the fact that she was there, and now she is not, is baffling.
I just don’t get it. And it makes me terribly sad.
01/02/1988 – 08/03/2016
I watched a video of the engagement of two people I used to know tonight. I try really hard not to look at the fun lives people I know have. Because since day one I have been monumentally good at hooking up with people who sup all the enthusiasm and enjoyment from my life.
I am just a terrible judge of people and have always put other people’s happiness before my own. I am not selfish in that respect. And I have paid for it at every turn.
So when I see people who have perfect, happy lives and normal relationships it blows my mind. Because I don’t understand how that happens. And if it does, how long does it last?
I worked from home on yesterday. There has to be an admin day doing websites and blogs and stuff. But Thursday night it snowed and it snowed. And this morning it was nearly a foot deep and then it snowed for another 7 hours. And neither of us could get out of the house.
I like to work at home during the day in the week because there is noone else there. Today we were stuck in together and if ever there was evidence we are not a couple anymore, being forced to stay at home together for a whole day is the only reason you’ll ever need.
Usually I work the weekend because that’s when he is most likely to be home and keeping out of his way is the best plan. I had this weekend all sorted out but I have a sneaking suspicion we’re not going to be able to get of the house again tomorrow.
What to do…..